A Letter To My Daughter — Forgiveness

Dear daughter

My next piece of advice concerns forgiveness within relationships.

Relationships by their very nature mean close proximity to each other. And with this familiarity can come pain. It’s inevitable for people living closely together to inflict some form of emotional pain on each other.

Sometimes this is unintended and reflects a level of incompatibility between two people living their lives together. For example, a quiet person can unwittingly give the impression of being indifferent or cold. Or a frankly honest person may deliver offence when just trying to be clear.

At other times, the pain is intended and can take the form of emotional punishment. This happens most often through anger. Becoming angry or irritated with someone you live with is not a rare occurrence. When two people spends much time together in a relationship, they of necessity, cede some control to the other. This can lead to frustration.

Anger tends to be more acute when provoked or directed at those closest to us. The punishment and pain we all inflict on loved ones is then felt all the more by the other person.

It is during these difficult moments that you must look inside. Find within yourself the strength and forgiveness you need. In order to forgive, we must first learn to understand. Understand what a person could be going through when they say or do something to hurt us. Understand that different perspectives can create entirely different interpretations of a moment. Understand that everyone inevitably loses control over their emotions, words and actions at some points. Understand that anger can make us say things we don’t mean. Understand that life is difficult not just for ourselves, but also for those we share the journey with. When we truly understand, we can forgive.

Forgiveness is usually thought of as something we direct at someone else. However, forgiveness is something we do for ourselves as much as for others. To be angry consumes us with self-destructive energies that become difficult to suppress. To forgive is to allow these energies to flow out of our being and be replaced by positivity.

To forgive others is to forgive ourselves of the pain and agony of anger trapped inside. To forgive is to cleanse ourselves of the toxins of resentment leaving us in a happier state of being. This is a great service to ourselves as an act of selflessness.

Forgiveness also leads is to another major part of a good relationship — learning to be gentle with one another. My grandmother is one of the wisest women I have ever known. One of the things she always says is that your tongue is like a sword and that you should always be aware of this.

Remembering this is not limited to conflicts and confrontation. Our words are the means through which we express ourselves. Consequently, they are a most powerful arbiter of how we handle our relationships. The wrong words or tone will inevitably create the wrong atmosphere and vice versa. This doesn’t mean that you are necessarily submitting to the will of another. The right words and the right tone are the best means we have of convincing others, including our partner in love, to see the world as we do. If

The following four pillars are the basis for you to build upon:

1. Manage your expectations.

2. Learn to truly accept other people.

3. Be willing to forgive.

4. Communicate in a gentle way.

These are indicators of the ability to grow as human beings and to shed selfishness and self-centredness in the process.

My mother-in-law, your wise and wonderful grandmother often says that marriage is healthy because it forces people to grow and mature. This is profoundly true. To be successful in marriage takes effort, sacrifice, humility and discipline. But these are the same requirements for so many things that are valuable in life.

When we share, we grow. When we reason, we convince. When we accept, we embrace. And when we forgive, we elevate ourselves and our lives. It is though our relationship with others, and particularly those with whom we share our lives, that we must learn to become better human beings.